Why do I keep trying?

Even though I suffer with mental illness and have gone through many traumas, I still hold great hope for a future – my future.

I want a better relationship with my family and friends and I want to make new friends. I want to be able to be silly and laugh until my tummy hurts and just talk about nothingness instead of basing my relationships on my traumas.

I want to travel to Italy and see all the beautiful architecture and visit the Augustem. A place that has been through hell but still stands in its beautiful essence. Like it was said in the movie Eat, Pray, Love, “Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation.” I want to indulge in pizza and pasta and learn to speak Italian. The words are so beautiful, such as Buena Notte, which translates to beautiful world.

I want my connection back with God, to go to church every Sunday morning. He’s been there all through my life. He is my greatest friend.

I want to go to university and get my PhD in psychology. So many people have helped me through – crisis lines, therapists, doctors, social workers, nurses. I want to give back and I want to be a part of getting the statistics of suicide down and spread positive energy and healing to others. I also want to write about my life, a memoire – there’s something so raw and powerful about words on paper that speaking doesn’t hold. I’ve always wanted to be an author. I want to share my story with others in hopes that they find resilience within themselves and know that they can heal – no matter what.

I want to find someone to spend my life with. Someone loyal, sensitive, unconditional and brings out the best of me. I want to have a baby. I want to feel the little kicks of my precious baby within me. I want to hold them in my arms and feel their heartbeat against mine, hold their little hands, give them goodnight kisses and read them stories before bed. Most of all I want to share with them the beauty in the world and protect and love them with all my heart. I already have my children’s names picked out. I can’t wait for snuggles and firsts and to love my beloved baby deeply and fully unconditional.

Those are the reasons I hold on. The reason why I pick myself up every time I fall and why my heart is still beating and I am still breathing. I believe all wounds heal in time. I ache for peace and that’s why I continue to stay strong. Someone told me the other day “we are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.” I sometimes wonder if all the trauma will affect my abilities to live what some say a “normal life,” but I also believe the light that is within all of us can bury the darkness and tune out the liar.

The wounds that feel like they are being constantly ripped open with no time to find healing, I believe there is healing. I believe that peace will come one day where I can just be, simply just “be”. You – I, just have to be persistent in my journey, stay in my wise mind and use grounding to help regulate my emotions. That’s why after what feels like the millionth time I was hospitalized I got “survivor” tattooed on me. Because I am a survivor and it’s not allowing myself to be dragged down as a victim I must work on – but everybody always has at least one thing about themselves to work on – perfection doesn’t exist.

Life is a constant daily reprieve – we can choose life or death, and we can die within without actually dying, like a flickering candle we just haven’t blown out yet – but we suffer, trying to escape, trying to survive. I keep trying because I don’t want to just survive any longer. I want to know there is something much greater than that. I want my light to shine, the light that I know is somewhere within me. I choose everyday not to end my story because of these things and I will keep trying. Nobody can hurt me more than I have hurt myself and I have to choose every day to live every moment and be my authentic self, while not inflicting pain upon myself or anybody else, but to take care of myself and the relationships in my life.

Just because I have an illness doesn’t mean I need to become my illness. We have more power than we think and I want to use my power for the good to myself and others.

— Isabella Currie