I was watching a tv show earlier today and I’ve been told by friends who also watch the show, that the main character reminds them of me.  The main character is incredibly dramatic, which I can’t relate to, but she’s also blunt and has a lot of anxiety/depression around things like self-worth, her purpose in life, and fear of failure.  For the most part, I’m energetic and positive.  But when the rollercoaster gets to the peak, it has to come down; my thinking changes from “I can do anything!” to “I’m not going anywhere and am stagnating in life”.  It’s not a sadness that I feel, it’s more of a flat affect, that “meh…doesn’t really matter” sort of ‘feeling’.

My energy levels recently started plummeting. At first, I reasoned that it was the time change – it would improve once my body got used to darker mornings, darker evenings, and cooler weather.  That was a few weeks ago and it hasn’t gotten better. I realized this past week that tough/flat mental times were on the horizon.  Watching this show today, the main character is trying to sort her life out from a career and relationship standpoint. I think I’m close to being in a similar stage, and so her struggles are now mine.  I’m not sure if they’re hindering or helping, knowing that this isn’t uncommon and seeing it personified in a television show.  It definitely has me in a strange space.

Will I talk it through with anyone? Maybe some parts of the struggles I’m experiencing, but not the emotions behind it; the fear, failure, uncertainty, complacency.

What often gets me through this period is looking ahead, but also looking for something “new” – a new job, a new friend, a new hobby, a new song or music artist that really speaks to me, anything that I can briefly obsess over until I get back to what I feel is my “normal”. Even just knowing there are friends or counselors that I could talk to if I needed to brings me some sort of comfort.  This is my rollercoaster; I’m in for the ride.