The only real change over a year has been rehoming the kitty and my son sleeper better at night (still dealing with anxiety issues though). It amazed me how even in my ramblings of fluster I still managed to try to tie it up with a lesson in understanding others struggles:
My anxiety has been at an all time high over the last few months :/
There is a list of reasons why and the proof is in my nails. I have bitten so far down. Also suffering is my body. I have gained so much weight I feel like a bloated blimp :'(
I look back at pictures before my som and get angry because I thought I was fat then.
I then get angry at every person who contributed to my unhealthy body image in my life through bullying and unnecessary comments.
My depression and PSTD does not help (and thank you to all who contributed to that as well over the years) because I eat to console.
Thanks to physical limitations exercise is not an option leaving me stranded in this body as it gets bigger.
I have tried swimming and get anxiety about going because of my body and a pathetic excuse for a swimsuit making me look even worse.
I have been having a hard time keeping up with vacuuming and dusting (last time I vacuumed my back seized so bad I almost couldn’t straighten up) and with my allergy to cats and Yuki’s shedding is out of control causing even more angst. I have tried to brush him and he hates it.
I have not been out in over a year because I can’t bring myself to be around a bunch of people. I feel out of place and not wanted.
I have barely any clothes (bottoms) that fit me properly and can’t bring myself to shop for new clothes because I end up sitting in the dressing room reduced to tears.
I feel like I fail so much as a parent because I don’t play with them like I see everyone else on FB doing with their kids.
My daughter is going through that wonderful thing all girls her age do and holds so much hate and resentment towards her dad that I worry how that is affecting her.
My son is going through a lot with his anxiety causing huge sleep issues thus causing a lot of behavior issues (last three days of school last week were really rough).
I know people want to offer suggestions and “try to make it better” and suggest I get over it but seriously…unless you have lived my whole life and are living in my shoes right now it’s hard to “offer” anything.
I have good days, but the smallest thing seems to set me off anymore.
Many have told me to get over the past….that is the whole point of PSTD…you can’t just “get over it”. It haunts you…DAILY! Memories come with the slightest trigger (eg. I will be doing dishes and will flash to being groped, driving in my car I will flash to being ridiculed about my driving, paying bills I will be triggered about being constantly criticized about spending and running out of money, Seppi watching the same shows over and over hearing freaking out about having to hear the same show over and over, when dishes pile up hearing it’s all my fault, I could go on but I think the point has been made, and these are the mild ones).
I am truly trying my best.
Before anyone wants to shove meds down my throat…I was forced to take Prozac for 10 years as a teen because of a false diagnosis by a dr at 12 and being told that everyone would be told I was crazy if I ever went on meds for anything emotional or mental so that is also a part of the PTSD (have broken in tears when people try to talk me into it).
I feel so alone most days, but fear letting anyone close anymore.
Why am I writing all this…I don’t know.
Will anyone truly care (or read it all)…thinking most likely no.
Am I wanting a pity party…no so please spare me if you are thinking that.
I think the bottom line is…we all have our own struggles…and when dealing with others, especially on social media…you just never know what their story is, so even if you are having an awful day and wanting to rant and freak out on someone..anyone..they may be in just as much of a fragile state as you.